Things I Learned Today

Today I learned that no matter how much I try to tone it down my CV looks utterly idiotic.

I must be the only person in the world who lies about what they haven't done

It's not false modesty 'ooh look at me my life is sooo amazing'. I just look like a nut who can't stay in one place for more than a few months.

Drugs are bad kids.

What you doing your CV for?

I'm ace at CV's if you need any critique.

I'd love to see it. I bet it is well silly

As an employer I have seen plenty-o CV's which makes me pity the world. And, when it comes to interviewing, it can really destroy my soul. Classic line I get often is - 'I can sell snow to Eskimos', always makes me laugh OUT LOUD! Imagine that, someone saying that in a professional environment and the interviewer bursts out laughing at you!!

Fandango Widewheels wrote:What you doing your CV for?

I'm ace at CV's if you need any critique.

I'm amazed this man is in charge of kids, employees and chemicals

Sherrers wrote:

Fandango Widewheels wrote:What you doing your CV for?

I'm ace at CV's if you need any critique.

I'm amazed this man is in charge of kids, employees and chemicals

Obviously to get a job numb-nuts

I meant what is the opening you are applying for?

Head of music at shakespeare's globe theatre.

I've never done a CV in my life. It was alright in the end.

I won't get it as the theatre is full-on oxbridge mafia but I'll be very happy to get an interview.

That's a cool job. Will it involve graphs though?

Oh yes. Rotas and depping and scheduling and MU contributions and instrument storage atmosphere management and rehearsals and elizabethan music score conversion charts and all kinds of nerdy wonders

I'd be a pig in shit if I got it.

you can hang with us meejah whores more on fridays up west. you'll be ONE OF US

oh no I'll get to look down my schnoz at you as I'll be heritage.

I'll be strictly South Bank dahlink.

I hope Raw Head Rex, and Matthew the secret lemonade drinker appear heavily in your CV.

The rest will just pale into insignificance.

Sherrers wrote:Oh yes. Rotas and depping and scheduling and MU contributions and instrument storage atmosphere management and rehearsals and elizabethan music score conversion charts and all kinds of nerdy wonders

I'd be a pig in shit if I got it.

Graphs AND theatre. I think you might implode.

Fandango Widewheels wrote:I hope Raw Head Rex, and Matthew the secret lemonade drinker appear heavily in your CV.

The rest will just pale into insignificance.

This is what I mean about reverse-lying on CVs. I'm sure I'd look brilliant to a load of toffs with that bollocks on it NOT.

On the plus side during that time I also did grown up stuff.

In fact I'm feeling jovial I may treat you all to some more terribleness.

freebies for jonny??

Charlie Brooker is not always a complete twat. This is a good piece, I would guess it rings true with a few round here

When a monk takes a vow of silence, is he still allowed to post messages on the internet? Chances are God won't find out. Being ancient, God probably can't work computers. He holds the mouse gingerly, like it's made of fine china. Sometimes he accidentally minimises a window and can't get it back. LOL what a noob #GodFail

Things change so rapidly these days it's easy to get left behind, no matter how powerful you are. Much online tittering occurred last Friday when King Charles II (played by Rebekah Brooks) told the Leveson inquiry that David Cameron used to sign off his text messages with the acronym LOL, in the mistaken belief that it stood for "Lots of Love" instead of "Laugh Out Loud", the idiot. The great big lizardy berk. The scaly, reptilian, basking-on-a-rock-to-raise-his-body's-vitamin-D-level nincompoop. LOL what a noob #CamFail

Actually, it's vaguely refreshing that he didn't know what it means. Cameron is 45 years old, which means he has been allowed to not know stuff for at least a decade. He's a few years older than me, but I got a head start by wilfully deciding to ignore huge chunks of popular culture as far back as 1999. That was the year the film American Pie was released. Lots of people seemed to be talking about it, chiefly because a teenager has sexual intercourse with a dessert in it. Being 28 years old in 1999, I considered myself too old and sophisticated to watch such a thing. As a result, American Pie is forever tagged in my mind as a "new" film for "youngsters".

So imagine my horror on seeing a poster the other day for American Pie: The Reunion, a film in which the original cast reconvene after 13 years, presumably now in their 30s and dealing with kids and mortgages and paunches and OH SOD EVERYTHING. It's a piece of nostalgia cashing in on something I was too old for first time around. That's how you know you're really getting old. That and the way your eyebrow hair goes all wiry and starts sprouting away from your face like its afraid of something, which to be fair it probably is, considering how knackered you look.

Youth fare aside, I have generally always been interested in what's going on, culturally. But recently I've undergone some kind of involuntary detox. In particular, I seem to be developing a serious aversion to almost every example of mass-appeal entertainment I spent most of the previous decade writing about in disparaging terms. I don't write a TV column any more, partly because doing so was driving me mad, but sometimes it's fun to watch something junky while snarking about it on Twitter. I tried getting into this year's series of The Apprentice for precisely that reason, but only managed one-and-a-half episodes before my brain rejected it. It was like staring into the cogs of a pointless machine. I couldn't remember any of the contestants' names, even when their names were being clearly displayed on the screen in a caption. I haven't seen The Voice, can't name anyone in Britain's Got Talent, don't use Facebook any more and, thanks to the magic of modern telly, I fast-forward any adverts I stumble across, so I don't even know which commercials are annoying people right now. It's like I live overseas, in a small sealed cube.

Not that I have replaced low-brow enjoyment with more refined pleasures. Right now I rarely listen to music, have no books on the go, and can scarcely get through any kind of written article without wandering off for a sandwich. I don't fully understand what's caused this hardcore cultural detox, although I suspect it's got something to do with becoming a parent and having to spend hours gazing at a tiny bellowing human instead. Apparently the next stage involves getting up-to-date on kiddywink culture by proxy, as soon as your offspring's old enough to give a shit about Peppa Pig and so on.

This will never do. At least when I used to enjoy hating rubbish, it was rubbish aimed at adults, and I'd chosen it myself. So I'm trying to get back into mainstream culture. It's just that everything popular seems so ... childlike. This week I'm going to carve out a few hours and go see the Avengers movie, which I understand is wildly popular, just so I can feel more in touch with my fellow man. I've already done my homework by attempting to sit through Kenneth Branagh's Thor (2011). If you haven't seen Thor, it's a "motion picture" in which a Swap Shop-era Noel Edmonds wanders around claiming to be a Norse god and waving a hammer. He also kisses Natalie Portman on the hand. He's a dick. The film cost $150m to make and is less entertaining than an episode of To Build Or Not To Build. The last 20 minutes consist entirely of shouting and lights and made me feel so infinitely tired, my mind left my body and manifested itself as a small clear crystal floating beyond space and time. Unless I dreamt that bit. It is the worst film that has ever co-starred Anthony Hopkins and Stellan Skarsgård, unless they've teamed up to make Vileda Supermop: the Movie while I was sleeping. I've been told it's not essential to have seen Thor in order to enjoy The Avengers, but it helps. I guess I'll get a lot more out of it now I understand Thor's complex relationship with his brother Loki, who I also couldn't give a shit about.

Once I have got the Avengers under my belt, I can try to catch The Voice before it ends. Possibly while eating jelly and ice cream and dribbling, just so I can bloody stand it. Apparently it had these chairs that spin around, but that bit's over now. Can't wait.

I've been left behind by popular culture for weeks now, but boy am I looking forward to getting back up to speed. It's not regressing. It's not. LOL.

Is that you changing your mind then?

Jury's out

An incorrectly earthed welding set can cause A LOT of damage.

I learnt today that if you crash into an open boot whilst mounted on a steed, it bruises quite heavily.

oof it can! any injuries?

Sherrers wrote:oof it can! any injuries?

Bruising to chest and arm. Horse fine, boot fine, pride in tatters.

I felt really let down by that Charlie Brooker piece. He writes as well as ever but Mark was right it is spot on but I don't want him to be spot on about me. I want him to encapsulate morons. Ideally morons I'm avoiding.

Everything in that article is absolutely right but it's been my default setting for a very long time and because I automatically detest anything popular and fear all lowbrow mob jizz I used to enjoy letting him soak it all up so I didn't have to. Like a sort of ladies' diaphram.

Then I could watch Screenwipe and read The Guardian safe in the knowledge that not only was I fully correct in avoiding all dull toss, I could check to see someone very witty and clever was agreeing that I was doing the right thing.

Yes I was also secretly checking what was going on in the world if only to have enough limited knowledge of it to be disparaging and snooty without it actually touching me. Urg.

But reading that I just felt "Dur, welcome to my world mate. Can you go do your job again please now?"

the end

Remember, he's educating the masses, not just you

But I love him! I take it very personally.

I hate the masses. Ever since they stopped paying for my life of riley I've not got on with them one bit.

Sherrers wrote:But I love him! I take it very personally.

I hate the masses. Ever since they stopped paying for my life of riley I've not got on with them one bit.

Diva

I thought timmy had woken up with his tosser head on but I forgot most of the time he's prancing about in an imaginary world like Mr Ben or something.

T.B wrote:I thought timmy had woken up with his tosser head on but I forgot most of the time he's prancing about in an imaginary world like Mr Ben or something.

That proper made me laugh out loud.

She's in a feisty mood I'm hoping for some fashion tips??

I'm fearing a tongue lashing.