Embarrassing Moments

I feel it's what John Peel would have done in the circumstances.

I think he would have got his COLLAR felt if he had come out with an off the CUFF remark like that.

Don't worry, i'm going now

Sherrers wrote:I feel it's what John Peel would have done in the circumstances.

I,d like to think so

Slightly embarrasing moment couple of weekends ago.

I have a habit of stealing things from the pub,umbrella stands, chairs, glasses, ornaments and my particular fav is a blue teapot that mad eye and bettlejuice love.

Anyway the other sunday I was being a tool in the pub and I started filling the teapot with all kinds of shite, beer mats, sandwich crusts, peoples keys and phones, just random shit.

The teapot is brimming and I sit smugly and admire my work and then forget about it and move onto the next childish act.

Two hours later I decide that im going to half inch the teapot and reach up and remove it from its shelf at that exact moment, someone starts up a merry old song , and beetlejuice comes over and sits with me and says "you weren't thinking of nicking that were ya?

No i says, and i start banging the teapot on the table as if its some kind of musical instrument and pretend that is my intention all along.

After a couple of hefty bangs the pissing teapot gives up on me and smashes into about 40 diferent pieces and all the shit ive put in it comes flowing out onto the table and all over the floor, right in front of Bettlejuice. He was not a happy Landlord.

A-HA....I remembered something from my childhood...


When I lived at home, years back, when I was but a young nod my mother cleaned my bedroom which I shared with my brother and she found...haha.... crumpled up toilet roll stuffed down the side of my bed (c'mon guy's we all know what it was used for) and my lovely mother asked me why so much was down there and why it was, well hard....in front of my sister and dad...I felt the room get very small and rather hot...not wanting to admit to my mum, sister and dad what I used it for, I just passed the buck onto my brother who is much older than me....

I was embarrassed...but was never asked again why the tissue was there.

I had a similar Mum related story involving pornographic magazines. I know it's a cliched tale but some of them were titled 'Pensioner' and 'Granny Sex'.

Don't ask!

hahaha "grab a granny" broadhead

Mucky swine.

I was the victim of a cruel and elaborate set-up by my friends brother. The bastard.

She made me fill a massive carrier bag and take them to the tip.

Broadhead wrote:I had a similar Mum related story involving pornographic magazines. I know it's a cliched tale but some of them were titled 'Pensioner' and 'Granny Sex'.

It's the, er, details that lift it out of the realm of cliche.

Broadhead wrote:I was the victim of a cruel and elaborate set-up by my friends brother. The bastard.

She made me fill a massive carrier bag and take them to the tip.

I hope you learned your lesson young man!

I did m'am.

Bishop wrote:Slightly embarrasing moment couple of weekends ago.

I have a habit of stealing things from the pub,umbrella stands, chairs, glasses, ornaments and my particular fav is a blue teapot that mad eye and bettlejuice love.

Anyway the other sunday I was being a tool in the pub and I started filling the teapot with all kinds of shite, beer mats, sandwich crusts, peoples keys and phones, just random shit.

The teapot is brimming and I sit smugly and admire my work and then forget about it and move onto the next childish act.

Two hours later I decide that im going to half inch the teapot and reach up and remove it from its shelf at that exact moment, someone starts up a merry old song , and beetlejuice comes over and sits with me and says "you weren't thinking of nicking that were ya?

No i says, and i start banging the teapot on the table as if its some kind of musical instrument and pretend that is my intention all along.

After a couple of hefty bangs the pissing teapot gives up on me and smashes into about 40 diferent pieces and all the shit ive put in it comes flowing out onto the table and all over the floor, right in front of Bettlejuice. He was not a happy Landlord.

News years eve a couple of years ago. I dressed up as a woman. Lovely green dress, tights, slip ons, black wig,fuull make up, grey cardigan and a very fetching green handbag to match the whole ensemble.

Gets to about 3.00am and mad eye kicks us out of the pub. A load of us go outside and walk straight into a group of lads kicking off with some mates so in our drunken state we wade in and decide to have a go. Now im no fighter and I very rarely get into scuffles but i was drunk and foolish.

Anyway this lad decides he is going to have a go at me and he grabs my best frock. Well thats it all hell breaks loose and I start windmilling and I manage to fettle him a few times before the fuckwit gets hold of me again. Only this time he gets hold of me and we end up nose to nose. Its at this point that I remember I am still dressed as a woman, dress, wig, and handbag.

So I say to the lad, who by now I realise I actually know and he hasnt recognised me as im a woman.

Me: " can we stop now mate cos i dont want to rip our lasses dress"

So he lets go and we all walk off, I go home and start getting changed

Next thing the lad is at my house at the back door, with his mate. So im now thinking shit its going to kick off again. So I tear the door open and give them both an angry stare and they both piss themselves laughing. Im like "what you fuckers" and they just laugh. Im stood there with no top on tights pulled right up to my tits, smudged make up and my black wig still on. Completely killed the moment.

To top it all off i went in the pub the next day and had to expain why all my neck was cut and bruised. Very embarassing telling people its because I was strangled with my own handbag.

Moral of the story: Take your handbag off before you fight.

Once again you have surpassed yourself.

hahaha

fucking hell bish

thats mega

*doffs hat*

My brother has always been unlucky in love

And so in the last few years he has resorted to 'internet dating'

And thus many an embaressing moment has occured

Here,s a few


Met a woman who had to walk everywhere with an umbrella over her(mainly in sunlight),because she had a skin condition called lupes

Went and met a woman on the isle of wight who was unfortunately disabled(she hadn,t told tell him),who got about on a mobility scooter(she gave him a lift to the pub on the back of it)

Fell in love with a woman he really eventually liked,who then turned out to be a prostitute!

Met a woman in southampton who had her mum with her,and asked if he would help do the food shopping before they went on there date

crang wrote:Met a woman in southampton who had her mum with her,and asked if he would help do the food shopping before they went on there date

Can you get me her number? I honestly think that is great!

He tells me all this in the strictest of confidence

I tried it a couple of times and it all boils down to a simple fact...

Ladies are not made of sugar and spice and everything nice they are also massive liars.



I only went on two meets and one was more than ten years older than both what she said and the pictures, the other was very nice but again... a bit free with the facts.

When it comes to things like age and image there is nothing girls will not do to hide the truth.

What I don't get is what they think will happen when you find out? Oh I know...blame it on you! (step forward number one) and say men are shallow for making it important. No love... I don't care if you are 39 or 50... I just don't want A MASSIVE LIAR in my life.

BTW my name is Jerome, not my real name, I'm a spy and that little fact could GET US BOTH KILLED... a Libra and 29.

To be honest,if it wasn,t for the internet my bro would be very lonely

The conventional way of meeting women is just not his fortey

He,s got to that age(50) where he really wants to settle down

And although he,s a bit lazy, selfish, and very single minded

He,s at least getting a chance to meet women

Even if half of them are liars, weirdos and prostitutes

Welcome to my world.

crang wrote:To be honest,if it wasn,t for the internet my bro would be very lonely

The conventional way of meeting women is just not his fortey

He,s got to that age(50) where he really wants to settle down

And although he,s a bit lazy, selfish, and very single minded

He,s at least getting a chance to meet women

Even if half of them are liars, weirdos and prostitutes

I met the future Mrs Bish on the web. It can work sometimes. She lies and is a weirdo, but i dont have to pay for owt.

She also text me 5 minutes before we were going to meet and said that she was 15. Cake.

Bishop wrote:I met the future Mrs Bish on the web. It can work sometimes. She lies and is a weirdo, but i dont have to pay for owt.

She also text me 5 minutes before we were going to meet and said that she was 15. Cake.

I love Mrs Bish. If you weren't marrying her, Bish, we would.

FWIW, two straight friends of mine met their very long-term, sensible, lovely, non-mental girlfriends through internet dating. And men on gaydar lie just as much about their ages, and even more about their penis size. Though no-one's yet failed to mention the mobility scooter.

bigdaddy wrote:

Bishop wrote:I met the future Mrs Bish on the web. It can work sometimes. She lies and is a weirdo, but i dont have to pay for owt.

She also text me 5 minutes before we were going to meet and said that she was 15. Cake.

I love Mrs Bish. If you weren't marrying her, Bish, we would.

FWIW, two straight friends of mine met their very long-term, sensible, lovely, non-mental girlfriends through internet dating. And men on gaydar lie just as much about their ages, and even more about their penis size. Though no-one's yet failed to mention the mobility scooter.

Yep she is a little Gem.

I have a embarrassing tale for you all in the hope it will cheer Timbo and Al up.

I used to play sunday football, on a sunday, and one saturday me and my mate Al went out clubbing in Nottingham. We had a truly exceptional night and got back to the hotel we were stopping in at 6.30.

This particular sunday we had said we would not be available for football but we recieved a phone call from Al's brother who was the manager of the sunday team, telling us to get our arses back as they were struggling for a side. So we somehow managed to get sorted drive home and went straight to football which kicked off at 10. We were off our nut.

So we plays the game and me and Al are fucking brilliant, we are just bombing round the pitch, kicking anyone that moved and we even bagged a couple of goals each from centre half.

I will get to the embarrassing bit soon promise.

Games finises and we are both starting to come down abit and I feel very very ropey, we head to the pub and order a pint, I take one sip and shite my kegs. Bollocks.

So I play it cool and waddle to the bog, straight into a cubicle off with the kegs, wipe my arse. But now im in a quandry, what shall i do with me pants.

A ha a window in the toilet which is slightly ajar, so i reach up and slip them out the window. Brilliant job done, back to the bar, nobody suspects a damn thing apart from Al who knows eactly where i have been. Al says to me what did you do with your kegs. Shut the fuck up I tell him.

Everyone has finished their beers so we leave, we step out the door and there looking completely mortified is a table of 4 sat right outside and right under the bog window with my shitty kegs hanging off the corner of the table.

Fucking Al shouts "so thats what ya did with em and high fives me"

Magnificent.

haha!

timmy, tell him your shitty pants story...

it is too long to write out


just now I got a hideous burning pain in my eyes. I thought my allergies had gone mental. then my left inner ear and i started to get worried.

then both my nostrils went MENTAL. don't know if you have ever been CS Gassed but it is like that.

I got up and threw the windows open and wondered who was taking the piss


then i remember I'd been chopping up proper hot south american chillies

you need to wash your fingers with vinegar... it says on the warning I ignored


just as well I didn't play pocket billards or wipe my arse



it fucking smarts man

I renewed my card at the lido yesterday.

Did a proper schoolboy error.

I used to (only maybe 2 years hence) swim like a fish every day. 2 years is just long enough to think nothing has changed but everything has. (actually it is probably just a matter of months)

Went straight into the fast lane/deep end and other 'out of your depth' gags.

Lap 3 "ooh this is easy, falling off a log, don't know why I stopped etc etc"

Lap 4 "ooh feel the burn"

Lap 4 and a half "I feel sick"

Lap 5 "Am I the only bloke in here? shit I am"

Lap 6 "Will...not..be...beaten...by...girl..."

Lap 7 rubber arms, inhaling water, stopping to 'adjust goggles' etc etc

Leave pool steaming with embarassment.


"That was quick" said the helpful cashier... not the good 'quick' associated with sport either...