Wookie's World of the Criminally Mundane

The owners of our building have just put up new "FIRE ESCAPE PLAN" noticeboards all over the building.

The building has five very similar floors with the same layouts.

Every one of the lovingly-drawn B&W plans has a coloured-in red line that says "RUN! RUN FOR THE NEAREST DOOR!"

Without your help, we would wallow in our ignorance like pigs in sty, &tc.

I'm no fire marshall (Hi-Viz clashes with my eyes) but i was always under the impression you weren't supposed to run. A stampede is the last thing you want in a high pressure environment, let me tell you.

When i was a lot younger and even dafter than i am now one of the lads i used to sit with, who was a tad slow shall we say, was a fire warden. He had the vest and all that. When he was off one day i took the fire marshall sign out of the back and replaced it with a sign that said 'don't follow me, i'm lost too'. There was much hilarity during a fire drill, which waa quickly soured when i got a disciplinary for pissing about.

Killjoys, the lot of 'em.

Broadhead wrote:I'm no fire marshall

I was sold from the 1st 4 words...

Broadhead wrote:I'm no fire marshall (Hi-Viz clashes with my eyes) but i was always under the impression you weren't supposed to run. A stampede is the last thing you want in a high pressure environment, let me tell you.

When i was a lot younger and even dafter than i am now one of the lads i used to sit with, who was a tad slow shall we say, was a fire warden. He had the vest and all that. When he was off one day i took the fire marshall sign out of the back and replaced it with a sign that said 'don't follow me, i'm lost too'. There was much hilarity during a fire drill, which waa quickly soured when i got a disciplinary for pissing about.
Killjoys, the lot of 'em.

Brilliant

I've got visions of Keith Lard

Bishop wrote:

Broadhead wrote:I'm no fire marshall (Hi-Viz clashes with my eyes) but i was always under the impression you weren't supposed to run. A stampede is the last thing you want in a high pressure environment, let me tell you.

When i was a lot younger and even dafter than i am now one of the lads i used to sit with, who was a tad slow shall we say, was a fire warden. He had the vest and all that. When he was off one day i took the fire marshall sign out of the back and replaced it with a sign that said 'don't follow me, i'm lost too'. There was much hilarity during a fire drill, which waa quickly soured when i got a disciplinary for pissing about.
Killjoys, the lot of 'em.

Brilliant

I second!

The poster for Iron Man 2 has two Iron Men on it. I guess, well, yes, but.

jim_kezzle wrote:I've got visions of Keith Lard

".. there goes that Keith Lard...'e messes with dogs"

"put a naked flame on that and it goes 'Wooof!'.." "It does what Keith?" "... ah said it goes Woof"

"Fire doesn't knock"

Sherrers wrote:

jim_kezzle wrote:I've got visions of Keith Lard

".. there goes that Keith Lard...'e messes with dogs"

"put a naked flame on that and it goes 'Wooof!'.." "It does what Keith?" "... ah said it goes Woof"

"Fire doesn't knock"

The chav with the sliced neck was back, sat on works doorstep today. She was waiting for her boyfriend who was at the doctors about ten doors down. She couldnt wait for him at the doctors as she is banned.

More Mundanity.


I got back from rambling today.

There was a light breeze.

I went out with wet hair.

When I got back it looked like I had 'bangs' like Farrah Fawcett.

It's a good look for me.

Today i added up the amount of dead animals i could see on my 7 mile track inspection

7 badgers

3 stoats

4 foxes

1 dog

2 owls

7 rabbits

1 deer

2 hedgehogs

Sherrers wrote:When I got back it looked like I had 'bangs' like Farrah Fawcett.

Poor Farrah. If I only she'd died one day earlier that bitch Jackson wouldn't have got all the love.

I watched a Woodpecker eating from the bird garden yesterday evening.

There were no green grapes left in Tesco this morning. I don't eat red ones.

I lose on average 2 CD's every time i DJ.

Broadhead wrote:I watched a Woodpecker eating from the bird garden yesterday evening.

There were no green grapes left in Tesco this morning. I don't eat red ones.

I lose on average 2 CD's every time i DJ.

My mate MacTaggart has a JBO one of yours, it was in his laptop.

Haha, nice one. Thats one i didn't even know i had lost!

make that an average of 3 CD's every time i DJ.

bigdaddy wrote:

Sherrers wrote:When I got back it looked like I had 'bangs' like Farrah Fawcett.

Poor Farrah. If I only she'd died one day earlier that bitch Jackson wouldn't have got all the love.

My Manc mate's Mum passed away the day after Princess Di did.

He called her "Princess-Fucking-Who's-Had-All-The-Flowers?" forever after.

He could not get a bouquet anywhere for love or money.

Especially for love. It transpires it is not redeemable currency not only in florists but anywhere.

My chiropractor is called Jonathan and I have an appointment at 6.00 to see him tonight.

The lady on reception greets me like an old friend and appears to know an awful lot about me yet I have no idea who she is. I just nod and agree.

I have nearly cleared all of the washing that needs doing. It is now a hefty pile of ironing.

I like my new next door neighbour much better than the old one, he puts my bin out and fetches it back in.

Im going running later, even if its raining.

Bishop wrote:The lady on reception greets me like an old friend and appears to know an awful lot about me yet I have no idea who she is. I just nod and agree.

I would go for the needle instead of the gas in future Bish.

They obviously use you for fun and games while you are under.

meat puppet

Or indeed - peat muppet.

Token Bird wrote:

Bishop wrote:The lady on reception greets me like an old friend and appears to know an awful lot about me yet I have no idea who she is. I just nod and agree.

I would go for the needle instead of the gas in future Bish.

They obviously use you for fun and games while you are under.

The very large bastards. Needle it is TB. Thanks.

Broadhead wrote:

Or indeed - peat muppet.

Laugh it up broadhead.

Broadhead wrote:

Or indeed - peat muppet.

cos of my dyslexia it took bout 10 mins to get that

*feel the brain strain*

On here we educate, stimulate and master.......all forms of chat

Broadhead wrote:On here we educate, stimulate and master.......all forms of chat

I heard that in a strange combo of Alan Partridge and Michael Parkinson...

Token Bird wrote:

Bishop wrote:The lady on reception greets me like an old friend and appears to know an awful lot about me yet I have no idea who she is. I just nod and agree.

I would go for the needle instead of the gas in future Bish.

They obviously use you for fun and games while you are under.

oh hang on I missed that

As requested

I returned home from work yesterday to find the wasp i had left, supposedly dead on my blinds, no longer there.

This panicked me for most of the evening then after a game of Wii tennis (i didnt even drop a point, 2198 is my score now) i forgot all about it. I got in to bed then heard the little fucker buzzing about again. It was sat next to my shoes when i finally discovered it. It is now squashed under said shoe.

Has there been no other boring news?

You are milking it now..

Inspired by another thread.

When I was little my mum worked at Seabrooks crisps.