Crang's Tales from the Tracks

'rush and tear','get nowhere',that's what ernie said.

And he was right,but god he was hard work.

Ernie was an old Italian guy who I worked with,always dressed really smart even in his work clothes,he had a bad case of OCD,everything had to be in order,what would take a normal human ten minutes would take ernie 30 minutes,his patter to the signalman was legendary,'how longs a piece of string',was his definition of time scale,so obviously not much ever got done,I used to look out for trains for him,and sometimes he would just stand in the track staring for ages,I used to say 'ernie what are you looking at?',and he would say 'I see things you'll never see lad'?

I've found many interesting things whilst on my railway walks(drugs,money,dead people etc...),but one day I found this torch like object,it looked like one of those mini mag lights,but it had a trigger switch down the side of it,I picked it up,looked at the lense flicked the switch up and down,couldn't really tell what it was,so I took it back to the office and gave it to old Percy,he played around with it then all of a sudden a shot fired out!!,went straight past alans head and through the window!,nearly killed him,it was a quarry flare!,we were all deafened for about 10 minutes,and lucky to be alive.

loving these little tales, hope there is more to come.

One of my biggest embarrassments ever was the day I took charge of a contract gang many years ago,it was a baking hot august day,and we'd managed to get all the work done early,so the rest of the day was ours,and in those days you could get away with murder,so I told all the lads we'd go down the beach .And so we got in the van and went down to eastney beach,now this beach is slightly notorious,as in it's a nudist area,but as it was right out the way and secluded it was a great place to hide out.So picture the scene,it's me and 7 burly railwayman, tops off wandering along the shore,when all of a sudden some bloke in a thong shouts out to me 'hi john',in the most high pitch voice you've ever heard! ,basically we've walked into the gay area of this beach and this guys calling my name like he really knows me,highly embarressed I've tried to ignore the bloke but now he's got up and come towards me,he reckoned he'd spoke to me a while back down the pub and was a friend of my mate petes.The stick I received off my work collegues was relentless,and even to this day whenever I see any of the lads that were there,they always say 'hi john' in a camp way .

Percys pigeons.
 Back in the old days of the railway,things were very relaxed,it's totally different now,and half the things we used to get up to,you wouldn't even dream of now,but one of my fondest memories was flying percys pigeons in the summer,we'd drive the van round to his house and load up a basket full of birds,then head off to a clearing down the woods a few miles away and release them,off they'd go!,I always used to feel a bit sorry for the slow ones,coz Percy would just wring there necks when he got home,we used to call him the executioner.And it was likewise when we did the track walks,if he saw one that was slightly injured he would just snap it's neck,it was probably more humane than letting it starve to death.Percys gone now,but whenever I see a flock of pigeons in the sky,it always makes me smile .

top marks

we need some fun while the fat controller is lording it up in ibiza

and i know about lording it up as many imaginary peers will not tell you due to superinjunctions and the old school tie network wot wot etc

Apple dram cider farm.

As I've said previously in my railway tales,years ago this job was very relaxed,and there was a big drinking culture,which is non existant these days.One day myself and two work associates got bored with working,and took a trip down to apple dram cider farm in the works van.On arrival our vision was greeted by a very grandiose old barn,and inside there were racks upon racks of cider barrels with taps on,it was the middle of a very warm July day and we were extremely thirsty beasts!.the farm hand asked us if we wanted to try some ciders before we bought any,and as you can imagine we bit his hand off,and started guzzling the crazy apple juice as fast as we could,the place was quite empty,and the farm hand kept disappearing to do other farm work,we literally had our mouths under the taps,one would drink,one would open the taps,and the other was now acting as a lookout for the farm hand to come back,we really were taking the piss at this point,and when the guy eventually came back we were hammered.A couple of kegs got bought,but our driver was now so drunk,we couldn't get the van back to the depot,oh dear.So we just sat outside this barn drinking the cider we had just bought,I was hallucinating at one point this stuff was that strong!.Eventually our driver decided he was ok to drive(he wasn't),and we proceeded back towards the depot,but he was so drunk we crashed into a ditch!,we left the van there,and ran off.Luckily the crash wasn't too bad,and no one saw it,we just dragged the van out the ditch the next day,and nobody was the wiser.

I especially liked the last 4 words due to their many layered meaning

Hahahaha, class tales Crang.

only on here. hot track action

Excellent tales Crang. Keep up the good work.

very generous words Bish seeing as you are being out-bumpkined by southerns

Dave the storeman.

There's many characters on the railway,all weird and wonderful,and to be honest I didn't quite no where to start,but Dave the storeman really is a one off,he's the sort of annoying person you would cross the road to advoid,his dad(dirty jack)disowned him years ago,and although that sounds rather sad,if you met him you would understand.He talks to himself quite alot,and has a high pitch squeaky voice,he wears lots of silver jewelery,and has a pony tail and a goaty,his breath could clear a battle field,and his sexist demeanour is very offensive,he used to get the train to work everyday,and find where I'd be sitting,used to drive me mad!,he'd  fart really loudly in front of people,or burp,then go 'excuse me',in  this horrible are you being served high pitch voice,his staring at women was also very worrying,and eventually a complaint was made by an old woman,who said he'd been bothering her,I met the lady in question one day on the train,she said Dave was the biggest tosser she,d ever met,and that he would regularly seek her out, and annoy her with his mundane drivel.One of the lads got so fed up with Dave one day,he brought in a gun,and shot him in the foot!.Dave spends most of his days  sat in the store room,doing very little,he made a makeshift bed up at one point,but got caught asleep by one of the governors,he can often be heard singing his favourite tune,"is this the way to Amarillo".He's  always got too much to say for himself,and would get mouthy to just about anyone,regardless of size or authority,he just goes on and on.....a conversation with Dave would normally end with the person walking off,and Dave continuing the conversation to himself.He's just moved his girlfriend into his house,she's got nine kids.

crang wrote:Dave the storeman.

There's many characters on the railway,all weird and wonderful,and to be honest I didn't quite no where to start,but Dave the storeman really is a one off,he's the sort of annoying person you would cross the road to advoid,his dad(dirty jack)disowned him years ago,and although that sounds rather sad,if you met him you would understand.He talks to himself quite alot,and has a high pitch squeaky voice,he wears lots of silver jewelery,and has a pony tail and a goaty,his breath could clear a battle field,and his sexist demeanour is very offensive,he used to get the train to work everyday,and find where I'd be sitting,used to drive me mad!,he'd fart really loudly in front of people,or burp,then go 'excuse me',in this horrible are you being served high pitch voice,his staring at women was also very worrying,and eventually a complaint was made by an old woman,who said he'd been bothering her,I met the lady in question one day on the train,she said Dave was the biggest tosser she,d ever met,and that he would regularly seek her out, and annoy her with his mundane drivel.One of the lads got so fed up with Dave one day,he brought in a gun,and shot him in the foot!.Dave spends most of his days sat in the store room,doing very little,he made a makeshift bed up at one point,but got caught asleep by one of the governors,he can often be heard singing his favourite tune,"is this the way to Amarillo".He's always got too much to say for himself,and would get mouthy to just about anyone,regardless of size or authority,he just goes on and on.....a conversation with Dave would normally end with the person walking off,and Dave continuing the conversation to himself.He's just moved his girlfriend into his house,she's got nine kids.

Rog is now thinking 'and what exactly is the problem with this guy? I like the cut of his jib'.

"she's got nine kids" tipped me over the edge.



new thread of the month!

only new thread!

Thievery.

"if it's not tied down,it'll get nicked".

And this was so true.The amount of stuff that gets pinched on the railway is legendary,and back in the day it was epidemic,our depot had a huge history of thievery,stemming back years,everyone was at it,even the managers,it was at a scale where literally lorry loads of sleepers,rail etc would go missing,and before I joined my depot,at the training school the guy said to me 'and where are you being placed my good fellow',and when I told him he laughed,and said 'hmmmmm,have you ever worked with gypsys?',said it all really,and one of my good friends to this day is part of a massive gypsy family.Little Richie,now this guy could steal,it was a daily operation for him,he had worked his way through the ranks,and now at ganger level he was free to nick anything,and everything,sleepers,rail,fencing,plant,lead,cable,generators,stuff from the stores,right under daves very big nose.Richie used to run a car boot on Sunday's,and most of the things he would sell were from the stores,gloves,toilet rolls,work clothing,tools etc etc.......,he had his own gardening business on the side,and most of the stuff he used was from the railway,he'd turn up at work for a bit then go off doing his private work,and he would always take some of the lads with him to give him a hand,I remember one year thousands of pounds worth of cable went missing,literally miles of the stuff was pulled out from under the troughing lids and cut up,it was all old stuff that was being replaced,made me laugh coz the guy in charge of removing it couldn't believe how quickly who ever had nicked it, had cut it all up and removed it,he was actually in awe of the speed and skill of the people that had done it,and said he would gladly offer them a job,lol.The thing with Richie though, he got to the point where he considered himself untouchable,he had managers in his pocket,and if he ever went down,they would go aswell.I remember another time we were sat round his house one evening,all of a sudden there was a loud commotion outside, these lads were trying to nick these crossing gates that he was going to weigh in,he got up and said 'right,wheres my chainsaw,if there's one thing I can't stand,it's thievery',and he ran outside like the Texas chainsaw massacre!,these lads ran for there lives!.Eventually Richie got caught,and sacked,he tried to take the manager at the time with him,but failed,and is now working as a caretaker at an old people's home,no doubt scamming there life savings:(.

Wealth is a fashion of delusion,when a man is clear of mind.

Never eat anything bigger than your head.

It is a foolish man indeed who goeth to Dc10 in flipflops. A bigger tit only uses the urinal so shod.

Don't get in a fight with a bus.

Religion is a tool for the misguided,don't believe in god,just believe in yourself.

Colin T.

Now there's people who work on the railway,and then there's people who would do the job for free,train spotters if you will,and now Colin was most definitely a train spotter!,a railway boffin,he had his own train track in his back garden,he'd been an engineer for years,and would baffle even the most technical of railway enthusiasts.Such was his utter love and devotion to his craft,eventually people would get fed up with him.And so it was, he  eventually  was given the job as inspectorate of railway skills,which basically means he would go to various depots and watch people work,and then access there overall ability to do the job,this would strike fear into just about every railwayman across the land!,and considering colins incredible attention to detail,itwould cause a surge of sickness  when word got around he was coming.It became almost a badge of honour to avoid Colin!,I remember one of the lads avoiding him 6 times(a record).The thing was though,you just needed to find his weakness,and colins weakness was churches?,yes that's right,churches,so whenever he came down to our depot,we'd always take him on an inspection which would pass along some rather fine houses of god,one in particular which literally had him hard,was a little church called st huberts in idsworth,now this church dates back to the 11th century,gone were all colins thoughts of extreme railway engineering when we approached this place,all he could do was take picture after picture with his camera,and wonder at the grace and beauty of the lords hotel,any worry you'd have about how Colin was going to rate your abilities were gone by this time,and all he could go on about was how great this church was,lol.In the end though even the managers got fed up with old Colin,he'd literally fail so many people,there would literally be no one left to do anything!,not saying that the average railwayman is thick,it's just that Colin wanted everyone to be as enthusiastic as him.The guy had a garden train set.

I might have to put crraaanng on the radio.

Fame at last!

It is a better man who avoids the activation of the machine

Don't make your winky bleed.

Sherrers wrote:Don't make your winky bleed.

Crang I think I'm In With these tales!!

Move on up, move on out, nothing can stop me

Tiny wrote:Crang I think I'm In With these tales!!

Thanks Tiny.

And in an Internet kind of way,I You .