Timbo's Terrible Tales

If you see Sherrers or another boarder say "I know a story about that" or anything like... paste a link to this thread in that one or write

"Timbo's Tales!!"

and we can safely carry on .


So we are expecting stories about :

Jeremy Healey at Homelands

Roger and Darren Hughes (whoever he is) at Homelands

More installments of Roger abroad/Roger vs Germany

More of Roger trying to re-embarrass Tim in return.



ok? good



as you were

good work Al

I have to say Al, my first experience of a chat board was the Basics one. So through common denomination I would say that when you lot talk about faith and that it must have been some sort of the same scenario. Well as we all know the chat board at Basics never really kicked off until Tim came along with his input. There is a lot of good promoting about nights that goes on there and feed back on set nights but its just not the same. I love the fact that when I come to visit this board there are story's like some of the ones Tim has put on. It makes the board so much more amusing and interesting. Now for me it is slightly more difficult to tell a story that relates to anyone on the board. This is due to the fact I probably have never met any of you and if I have I was probably full on battered and can't remember. (Sorry about that if this is the case). I know I've met Tim on a few occasions. Anyways I am hoping that through this board I will meet more off you so the tails wont just come from Tim. Anyways if I have any amusing situations or story that are worth telling if they link to a thread I will get involved. All in all I am loving being a part of this chat board. Have a good weekend all. Mutch Love!!

We like Ben.

Smiles

Sherrers wrote:We like Ben.

aw we do!

bless

point one to Rog ;

Ye Olde Rog Yesterday at 2:01 pm
In the Faversham he double bummed some E's because he'd heard it was what all the girls were doing. He then did the worst breakdancing in the world, span on his head on the large sandpaper doormat and burned bits off his scalp so it looked like he had alopecia for a month. Then he disappeared to the toilet and came back in a Riddler jumpsuit (and stuffed something to make his arse as big as house into it) and shouted (with fully bleeding scalp) :

"Riddle me this! Riddle me that! why am I such a fucking twat?!"

and fell over.

rog vs Germany Pt II


so I was saying how thanks to the escapades in Switzerland I was a bit nervous about Rog picking up Andre Crom


the story so far ;

You are of course referring to VVWI's very own Andre Crom. Who is a top lad.

Roger was stopping with me in Ibiza for a week. I was DJing and we'd just arrived

.... on a side note ; Rog had his funeral suit on that he'd had on the night before at My House and all the Ketoloco lads turned up in Ibiza and saw Roger and did a triple take as he was in exactly the same place (behind booth) in exactly same clothes. Their faces! ....

anyway.... I was playing and I had totally forgotten Andre was coming and I had A) never met him despite him being on my label B) promised him a rollicking good , pick him up at the airport etc and C) he's never been to Ibiza.....

So I was DJing and thinking about solutions. The obvious solution of sending Rog, the only other person insured for my car... the nearest person in proximity even... the industry person who often picked up DJs from airports... never crossed my mind while I was racking my brains. Why? because I had never met Andre and sending Roger to pick up a VIP German was just idiotic. Roger is my best mate but this was just not and option...


surely I'm overstating it?


no

so I'm wrestling internally while trying to DJ and the clock is ticking for Andre turning up at the airport. So I give in an say to Rog

"right, here are the car keys, here is a printout of Andre's flight. I need you to pick him up mate..."

Rog, as always it has to be said, agrees immediately : "leave it with me" he says

I switch off the monitors and give him my best Paddington hard stare :

" And Rog. Listen. NO GERMAN JOKES. This lad is important to me, he's new to the label."

Rog is all innocent ; "Hey! it's me!"

Exactly thinks I.

I have to explain at this point that the label is young, Andre has just signed to us and like I say, I've never met him or even spoken to him except online. I don't even know how good his english is in reality it's best never to assume (although our German brothers are exceptionally well educated).

So fast forward a couple of hours and Rog and Andre turn up and the fist thing I say is :

"Andre! nice to meet you. I'm really sorry I couldn't meet you. And I'm really sorry about Roger."

He is a lovely lad and smiles and says ;

"I think he is the funniest man is the world."

So I am dead nervous now.

Over the next week the 3 of hang out a fair bit so basically I find out everything that happened in those mystery hours from airport to club. I'll string them together.

So bearing in mind my only request is NO GERMAN JOKES.

Andre comes through the door at arrivals. There is a wall of people in flip flops and cutoff army pants and stupid shades and in the middle is a 6ft 2 pensioner dressed like a victorian undertaker with a handmade sign that merely says

ACHTUNG

so Andre wanders over because I sent a text form the club reading : "andre... sorry I can't come to collect you I am working. My friend Roger will meet you. you can't miss him he is wearing a suit and has a white beard and is the strangest person in the airport"

So far so obvious. Andre saunters over and says " Hi, I'm Andre. You are Roger?"

So Rog apparently does a nazi salute and goes

"Yahwol!"

Next they are in the car and Andre says : "So Roger... have you ever been to Germany?"

and Rog replies

"No mate. But my Dad went once."



now another fact we have to consider is that Andre (unbeknownst to me) had in fact played at My House only the night before. So he had in fact, like the ketoloco lads, already fucking MET Roger who was wearing the same outfit not 24 hours previous. And Rog being Rog had no recollection whatsoever.

So in the car Andre is talking to Rog like an old friend leading to Rog whispering in my ear later :

" I think your german mate fancies me. He keeps talking about me like he knows me".

So apparently in the car Rog is blanking him furiously cos he thinks he is a weirdo. And when Rog is nervous he comes out with all kinds of stuff. Like for example Rog is freaked out Andre keeps laughing at him so he says ;

"Fucking hell! A German with a sense of humour."
And
"Ah! where would we be without humour! .... Germany probably."

etc etc

So in conclusion. If Andre didn't happen to be ace i doubt he'd still be working with us.

As a footnote when we got back to the club the Ketoloco lads saw us again. Me, Rog and Andre... all of whom had been at My House the night before and were even more confused.


the end

christ i nearly missed ptII

excellent! I'm ready to start the week now cheers tim/rog

shit i missed it too.





just brilliant

*standing ovation*

I remain unbowed.

*sings national anthem to self, falls asleep*

More Tales! More Tales! More Tales!

That story really is superb. I keep tittering to myself about it. You mad old fuckers .

Jonny Boy wrote:More Tales! More Tales! More Tales!

what he said! what he said!

Roger remains silent.

Al wrote:Roger remains silent.

he has to wait for the formaldehyde treatment to wear off, before he can start speaking again

Panto Horse.


This one can be verified by DJ mag, as it's the only funny story the Fabric team could think of when they were interviewed.

It was Fabric's birthday. I forget which for the first ten years I was there every Saturday. My mate Chico worked there doing the guesty and I was, lets be frank, a fixture.

So we thought we'd dress up to freak them out. Had to be a Pantomime Horse really. This was LOOONG before Ket, so no, nothing to do with that... it was all about showbiz darling.

So we turn up and queue for a bit just for shits and giggles. It's London so no one says a word but there is a bit of tut-tut-ing it. We go in and ponce about for an hour and it is hot as the centre of the sun. Yes I was the arse. Typecast again.

The thing about being a panto horse is right... everyone knows it's not a real horse. It is two blokes. One of which is bent double. Or in Chico's case just bent. And the 'saddle' area even a retard knows in where the head and neck of the rear guard croucher is. Simple right? does that stop an endless tsunami of nitwits trying to 'ride' you?


..frankly no it doesn't.




anyway


So I've had enough and we've gone round the whole place and I should point out this is Fabric so it is the first time anything stupid has happened of note. Which lets be frank, annoys the hell out of some people. I call them "tossers". So we stop it and have to have a drink I have sweated a child's swimming pool out of my pores by now.

So I am stood at the bar (this is not a joke BTW) in the bottom half of the costume (which has comedy braces) and this painfully hip kid leans over and sneers :

"what the fuck have you come as mate?"

so I go

"clearly I am a massive fucking horses arse mate, what's your problem?"

(I don't know why it just came out and felt like something I had always wanted to say even though it had never entered my head before)

So he's a bit taken aback by my non-fun face so he says ;

"Isn't there supposed to be two of you?"

so I says

"Traditionally just the one arse for horses... usually... but I have lost my mate have you seen him?"

So Einstein goes :

"No, what does he look like?"

And at that exact moment Chico (who BTW is 6ft 7) strolls over with the top half on and the head about 3ft higher than anyone else. I couldn't find anything witty so I just said ;

"a bit like him".

At least I am not the butt of the gags this time.




boom tish

I am getting the impression this Fabric place is a bit humourless. What with them not understanding friendliness on your holidays or enjoying a jolly great british panto horse?

Chico deserves his own thread. Though it would be mostly Horse Meat stories...

A long streak of legend is old leggy.

*clearly I am a massive fucking horses arse mate, what's your problem?"


Brilliant.

Sherrers wrote:A long streak of legend is old leggy.

It's a bit like having a friend on one of those reality TV shows...

haha! I must come to one of these!

very good.


love the panto horse story. Fabric is not known for it's humour but now I will look at it in a different light.


Tim didn't you tell me once they banned you for having a good time?

[quote="Token Bird"]haha! I must come to one of these!

very good.


love the panto horse story. Fabric is not known for it's humour but now I will look at it in a different light.


Tim didn't you tell me once they banned you for having a good time?[/quote]

I think it may be....


time for another tale timmy

Token Bird wrote:

Jonny Boy wrote:More Tales! More Tales! More Tales!

what he said! what he said!

*looks at watch*