I'll get you Butler.

extreme nazi jobsworth makeover stories here

I had one at the lido yesterday. There was a thunderstorm but not overhead. I had to get out.

It was pissing rain anyway but apparently if you can hear thunder they have to shut it for 30 mins.

I got the strong impression that young McJobsworth just wanted to go indoors.

Ye Olde Rog wrote:extreme nazi jobsworth makeover stories here

what's your s then ??

What was the question again?

Ye Olde Rog wrote:What was the question again?

Anyone in the civil service.

I PAY YOUR WAGES YOU WORKSHY FOP, NOW PUT ME THROUGH TO SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP

The aresholes at Santander.

Me: I am ringing for an up to date redemption figure

Santander Nazi: Do you have your clients authority to act.

Me: Yes, you know this already because I already have a figure from you, I just need a new up to date figure.

Santander Nazi: I cannot see your authority on the system.

Me: You can because I already have a figure from you dated 1 week ago.

Santander Nazi: Can you fax it over again.

Me: Yes, please stay on the line whilst I do it.

Santander Nazi: I cant do thats sir.

Me: I will pay you to stay on the line.

Santander Nazi: There is no need to pay me. I will just this once.

Me; Have you got the fax.

Santander Nazi: Yes

Me: Can you let me have a new figure please

Santander Nazi: It takes 5 working days.

Me: I need to complete tomorrow

Santander Nazi: It takes 5 working days

Me: I know you are looking at the figure on your screen and could quite easily tell me.

Santander Nazi: It takes five working days.

Me: You are looking at it arent you

Santander Nazi: Yes, but I cant tell it you.

FUCKING NAZI.

computer says fuckoff

Banks, bunch of wankers.

I got to airport security once and I was proper flapping and sweating. Literally had 5 mins before gate officially shut. Connecting flight was late. So bear in mind I'd already been through a few security checks.

Bloke (English) stops me and picks up my necklace and says he can't let it on the plane. Yes it's a heavy piece. About 14 inch of thick links. The guy saw me take it off my neck. I'd also worn it through security for a couple of years.

You know when you lock eyes with somebody and all paranoia aside they are saying 'I WILL NOT BEND, I LOVE THIS, I'M BORED, YOU ARE MY FUN FOR THE DAY'. He could see the stress. He saw the time on my boarding pass. I was the only one going through and it was really late. He also did that thing of waiting until I'd almost gathered everything up and was relieved and turning to run off.

"Wait there please Sir!" and walks as slowly as possible over. I can't remember much detail. The main thing I remember about the exchange was that his argument for not taking it on was that (and I quote) "You might be able to get that 'round someone's neck". I should hope so because it's a necklace ! etc etc etc tick tock tick tock

I am really stubborn and I will gladly go to prison if I am right but he said as a "compromise" I should "post it to myself". How? pop off to the 24 hour post office round the corner and do it in 2minutes flat? When he called security I just weighed it up. The cost of the gigs and new flights versus the necklace. It wasn't easy the thing was solid silver. worth a fair bit.

I've got loads of stories like this but that one sticks out because as I handed it to him and said something like 'it's your lucky night mate you've just won a necklace" he just looked me in the eye and said "mmm mexican silver?"

It was. It's his now.

Sherrers wrote:I got to airport security once and I was proper flapping and sweating. Literally had 5 mins before gate officially shut. Connecting flight was late. So bear in mind I'd already been through a few security checks.

Bloke (English) stops me and picks up my necklace and says he can't let it on the plane. Yes it's a heavy piece. About 14 inch of thick links. The guy saw me take it off my neck. I'd also worn it through security for a couple of years.

You know when you lock eyes with somebody and all paranoia aside they are saying 'I WILL NOT BEND, I LOVE THIS, I'M BORED, YOU ARE MY FUN FOR THE DAY'. He could see the stress. He saw the time on my boarding pass. I was the only one going through and it was really late. He also did that thing of waiting until I'd almost gathered everything up and was relieved and turning to run off.

"Wait there please Sir!" and walks as slowly as possible over. I can't remember much detail. The main thing I remember about the exchange was that his argument for not taking it on was that (and I quote) "You might be able to get that 'round someone's neck". I should hope so because it's a necklace ! etc etc etc tick tock tick tock

I am really stubborn and I will gladly go to prison if I am right but he said as a "compromise" I should "post it to myself". How? pop off to the 24 hour post office round the corner and do it in 2minutes flat? When he called security I just weighed it up. The cost of the gigs and new flights versus the necklace. It wasn't easy the thing was solid silver. worth a fair bit.

I've got loads of stories like this but that one sticks out because as I handed it to him and said something like 'it's your lucky night mate you've just won a necklace" he just looked me in the eye and said "mmm mexican silver?"

It was. It's his now.

The very large bastard.

He was. He made no show of hiding it.

I got quite patient in my old age. I sort of grade jobsworths as harmless when they are ONLY FOLLOWINK ORDERZ MEIN HERR. Usually young and stupid or just scared of any imaginary consequences. But it's exposure to the proper pro evil cunts has made me more tolerant of the lower level idiots.

I learned a top tip off TB once though. She always said at airports avoid any woman working there. Just pound for pound womaen are much more jobsworth than blokes. To a degree where she will swap from a short queue to a much longer one depending who is on the end at the counter/security/bank.

In the spirit of feminism I wasn't having it at first but she is totally right.

However I should point out being a LAYDAY that TB always had hand luggage that was twice the legal weight etc etc so she needed a sympathetic worker more than most.

Charles de Gaulle security are the meanest set of bastards ever. I used to sweat at the thought of trying to race through there in 30 mninutes on a Friday morning.

All French security services. Top to bottom. Hardcore.

Fandango Widewheels wrote:Anyone in the civil service.

I PAY YOUR WAGES YOU WORKSHY FOP, NOW PUT ME THROUGH TO SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP

you dont pay thier wages, you only contribute towards their wages

wookie wrote:

Fandango Widewheels wrote:Anyone in the civil service.

I PAY YOUR WAGES YOU WORKSHY FOP, NOW PUT ME THROUGH TO SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP

you dont pay thier wages, you only contribute towards their wages

A minor technical point.

Sherrers wrote:He was. He made no show of hiding it.

I got quite patient in my old age. I sort of grade jobsworths as harmless when they are ONLY FOLLOWINK ORDERZ MEIN HERR. Usually young and stupid or just scared of any imaginary consequences. But it's exposure to the proper pro evil cunts has made me more tolerant of the lower level idiots.

I learned a top tip off TB once though. She always said at airports avoid any woman working there. Just pound for pound womaen are much more jobsworth than blokes. To a degree where she will swap from a short queue to a much longer one depending who is on the end at the counter/security/bank.

In the spirit of feminism I wasn't having it at first but she is totally right.

However I should point out being a LAYDAY that TB always had hand luggage that was twice the legal weight etc etc so she needed a sympathetic worker more than most.

My other tip for international travel is to be white. It's handy.

T.B wrote:

Sherrers wrote:He was. He made no show of hiding it.

I got quite patient in my old age. I sort of grade jobsworths as harmless when they are ONLY FOLLOWINK ORDERZ MEIN HERR. Usually young and stupid or just scared of any imaginary consequences. But it's exposure to the proper pro evil cunts has made me more tolerant of the lower level idiots.

I learned a top tip off TB once though. She always said at airports avoid any woman working there. Just pound for pound womaen are much more jobsworth than blokes. To a degree where she will swap from a short queue to a much longer one depending who is on the end at the counter/security/bank.

In the spirit of feminism I wasn't having it at first but she is totally right.

However I should point out being a LAYDAY that TB always had hand luggage that was twice the legal weight etc etc so she needed a sympathetic worker more than most.

My other tip for international travel is to be white. It's handy.

Especially when flying into the US, or the UK. I always pick the predominantly white queue at the airport. Sad but true.

Also stay away from old people, and families.

tell them about our epic journey to get out of the alps timmo.

was it 4 different countries trying to get a flight.

finally meeting that unspeakable easyjet woman.

ultimate jobsworth

She could be the ultimate. Christ I'd forgotten that. Even just doing the highlights it will take a long time to type. Leave it with me.


I remember that Belgian Jobsworth at his computer in the hotel reception that wasn't right helpful so Dahlarge poured his pint over him and his console and went "Take that Tron".

I was nearly sick laughing.

Sherrers wrote:She could be the ultimate. Christ I'd forgotten that. Even just doing the highlights it will take a long time to type. Leave it with me.


I remember that Belgian Jobsworth at his computer in the hotel reception that wasn't right helpful so Dahlarge poured his pint over him and his console and went "Take that Tron".

I was nearly sick laughing.

jon carter wrote:
was it 4 different countries trying to get a flight.

if you include the country we left it's 5 countries in a day.

Sherrers wrote:

jon carter wrote:
was it 4 different countries trying to get a flight.

if you include the country we left it's 5 countries in a day.

Get typing man.

jon carter wrote:tell them about our epic journey to get out of the alps timmo.

was it 4 different countries trying to get a flight.

finally meeting that unspeakable easyjet woman.

ultimate jobsworth

Jon?

Jonny?

oh multiple Jesuses

Sherrers wrote:She could be the ultimate. Christ I'd forgotten that. Even just doing the highlights it will take a long time to type. Leave it with me.


I remember that Belgian Jobsworth at his computer in the hotel reception that wasn't right helpful so Dahlarge poured his pint over him and his console and went "Take that Tron".

I was nearly sick laughing.

haha yeah one of the very few moments in a lifetime of terrible behaviour where Dahlarge was actually right. That bloke was a large arse.

Sherrers wrote:

jon carter wrote:tell them about our epic journey to get out of the alps timmo.

was it 4 different countries trying to get a flight.

finally meeting that unspeakable easyjet woman.

ultimate jobsworth

Jon?

Jonny?

I'd better explain the in-joke.

As the journey from Hell got into double figures of hours in the car Timmy 's relentless morale boosting was substituted with him playing that on the stereo at tinnitus inducing volume and pissing himself laughing and then deciding he wanted to learn all the words.

After about the 20th play of it I was seriously considering leaping to my death.

Well remembered.

I have had many a conversation with BT, which has resulted in me turning into Basil Fawlty - which amused Mrs Noogle and 6 year old.

Here goes...

So we were what? 3 of us? Been up at St Anton in the Austrian Alps on a very large one. 2 weeks of hard skiing and even harder boozing.

We were flying home on a Friday evening to arrive back in London for both of us having gigs all weekend. Back when we worked every Fri/Sat. In fact we had to cancel just to get the time off to go away. I mention this as it was unusually important that we got back and did the gigs. I am 99% sure the Friday night gig for Jon had been moved there to allow for our skiing. You don't miss any gigs but if you miss one that has been re-sheduled you will never work for that person again more than likely.

Naturally we were still boozing at about 8am the Friday morning. I can't remember if there was sleep? Jon you will have to correct any errors.

So instead of our sleeping host the keys to his brand new audi (a4 estate? it was nice) were given to one of the YTS kids to drive us to our scheduled flight from Friedrichshafen. That's Germany sorry if that is known. It's not that far though. I think the flight was about 5pm. The drive is about 90 mins (driving fast) just over the border in Germany. So we set off about Midday. Still jolly and boozing in the car I think. We were jollying along some lovely scenery and suddenly we go to the turning onto the huge tunnel (I think it's one of the world's biggest) that cuts down through the alps into the foothills and we see a queue and cars abandoned.

Doesn't really register anything is wrong but I do get a niggling feeling. This isn't England where people get helicoptered off an inch of sleet and the nation grinds to a halt. It's Austria. Snow tyres and chains compulsory. Their driving test is military grade. The snow isn't any deeper than usual….

The we get on the autobahn and see miles down sloping down before the tunnel and it is proper gridlocked. Realised then the abandoned cars were people bailing out of the queue not the weather.

Now in Europe at most airports they are pretty easy about check-in compared to the twits in England. As long as you can reasonably get to the plane. And we were seasoned travellers (very seasoned ) and had hand luggage only (i go to my mate's over there so often all my ski gear is already in St Anton). So feasibly by the point we get stuck we have about 3 hours to make about a 40 min drive. When I say the traffic crawled I mean it was so slow you turned the the engine off. People had pulled over and had little camp fires out. Long story short we got a few miles from the airport in Germany and the clock struck 5. All the time I was phoning our host and agents etc to set up options. So we turned around to try get to…

Zurich. Which isn't far really. About as far again. We discovered the reason for the trouble at the tunnel. Biggest pile up in it's History. Also we found that up in the alps it was alright but down the mountain's foothills it was fierce blizzards. I think this Zurich flight was just before 7and I think the gate shut at 6.30

Also bear in mind we are buying tickets over the phone. Being the dashing hero of the take I have to say I did call it. I said we'd miss Zurich and should head to Geneva where a 4 and a half hour drive would get us there for a 10pm flight. We agreed to go for both (and buy tickets for both ) and lo! we passed the turning off the autobahn for Zurich airport at 6.30.

3 hours give or take to Geneva AND finally no traffic. Brand new A4, no speed limit, spunky young nutbag at the wheel… averaging about 140 mph…

So got to about 9ish and young YTS lad who has not even had a piss since about 11.30am is stoutly flying along and I'm learning the words to the lighthouse keeper tune and literally it's suddenly one of those properly magic moments when I must have seen it in my peripheral vision but he was about 20 yards from driving straight into a concrete divide at over 100mph and I actually grabbed the wheel although he recovered it. We stopped to let him have a shake and shit himself and it started to blizzard. Clear tarmac on way into petrol station. Couple of centimetres on way out. We arrived at Geneva airport, YTS drove off. First person we saw said the weather had closed in too quick and our flight was severely delayed at the other end. Couldn't say if it would fly that night.

Called YTS lad back (he was overjoyed). Found an EasyJet out of Basel. Called the gigs in UK and shifted the sets to later. Basel Easyjet flies at 1am-ish. It is officially the ONLY AND LAST FLIGHT from that region to London. It's before 10pm and the journey is roughly… YES! BINGO 3 hours. On the plus side it was by far the cheapest one yet.

Off went the Marie Celeste, it's doomed crew reduced to groaning and hungover to fuck. Couldn't stop for anything once fuelled up. I'll draw this epic norse tale to the close by saying we ...

GOT THERE… YAY .

Actual american style whooping and such. Got to the Easyjet desk and explained to the smiling lady that as Basel airport is actually in France (just) and we'd also brushed Liechtenstein we'd been therefore been over 13 hours and 5 countries to get there this very day!! you know the hideous pile up blocking the tunnel?? we were there! you know the blizzards? we beat them THANK YOU JEEZIS! yes Lord…and maybe that was some kind of record but it was nice to hear an English voice… forgive our enthusiasm ma'am...

"Oh no you can't get on this flight. There's a bus you see and the last one has gone"

Yes but The flight is 01.15am. Gate shuts at 12.45. IT'S 12.30!! we made it!

"No you see the check-in is closed"

Triumph. That's good! Great! 'cos we have no bags to check in. And we've already been checked in online back in Austria. You see it is unusually important we get on this plane...

"You're not getting on this flight sadly. I have to go now…"

At this point Carter, who is the mildest of chaps just lost it. Cartoon steam out of ears shouting at the top of his voice lost it. Started thrashing her desk with his bag like John Cleese attacking a car with a small tree.

Armed security arrived etc etc Carter is dragged away shouting death threats at the long gone woman...

I'd have had a nervous breakdown after all that.

That beats my Germany, Luxembourg and France in 6 hours to catch the Eurostar when that volcano was going off.