So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still,
what can you expect from a cross-breed.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.'
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'
I said 'No, just a watch.
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle?'
The bloke said 'Kenwood'
I said, 'Where is he then?'
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.'
He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?'
He said, 'He's not your type.'
I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'
He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?'
'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?'
'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.
So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst
into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he
said "I recognise the ivory".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought
"he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to
Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on
telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to
do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make
Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than
anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I
can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and
a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well
the other day there was a fire at the factory that
makes them.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of
people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK
then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa",
I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want
to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",
he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came
up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle
like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC
duck".
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house
and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I
need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbor worships exhaust pipes,
he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two
school bags, he's bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load
of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there
were no salivas.
"Cos it's strange, isn't it.
You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.
' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.
' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?
' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'