right!

I've gone on holiday by mistake. It's doing my head in. I've found the only wi-fi spot in a zillion miles. What I demand to know is :

1. why are people talking to us?
2. what's with dead pheasants everywhere?
3. why are sheep ganging up on us?
4. why is the water all brown?
4. why are the ducks white and yellow? are they bloody mutants?

Al wrote:right!

I've gone on holiday by mistake. It's doing my head in. I've found the only wi-fi spot in a zillion miles. What I demand to know is :

1. why are people talking to us?
2. what's with dead pheasants everywhere?
3. why are sheep ganging up on us?
4. why is the water all brown?
4. why are the ducks white and yellow? are they bloody mutants?

1. Just look down and ignore them!
2. They're a warning to 'outsiders'.
3. They've been bred to hate 'outsiders'.
4. To discourage the buying of a 'second home' there.
4. Err... they're not ducks???

ha! good questions and good answers

bet you a gazillion imaginary dubloons sheridan will give proper grizzly adams answers

*tries to resist*

I still wager he fails to resist

your imaginary dubloons will be mine

*still resisting*

Sherrers wrote:your imaginary dubloons will be mine

*still resisting*

I bet you're pacing up and down stubbornly trying to think about other things whilst in your mind your response to this thread is writing itself....

he had the answers seconds after the post and has been gnawing his left arm to a stump since

shAdy wrote:

Al wrote:right!

I've gone on holiday by mistake. It's doing my head in. I've found the only wi-fi spot in a zillion miles. What I demand to know is :

1. why are people talking to us?
2. what's with dead pheasants everywhere?
3. why are sheep ganging up on us?
4. why is the water all brown?
4. why are the ducks white and yellow? are they bloody mutants?

1. Just look down and ignore them!
2. They're a warning to 'outsiders'.
3. They've been bred to hate 'outsiders'.
4. To discourage the buying of a 'second home' there.
4. Err... they're not ducks???

come on sherrers, stop being a drama queen and answer the bloody questions!

fuck it!


1. why are people talking to us?

Because they have a rare disorder called "friendliness". You are vaccinated against it in London Al. I went on holiday years ago and some of the Fabric management came with us and we got to this fairly remote island and in the back of this truck that was the only taxi one of them leaned over and said "why is everyone looking and waving at us?"
"cos they are going to rob you later" I said


2. what's with dead pheasants everywhere?

It's nesting season so they cross territories (roads) and are (for about 2 weeks in the year) all full of piss and vinegar. The males actually launch themselves at cars.


3. why are sheep ganging up on us?

Depends. If they are Rams (with horns Al ) they are actually quite butch anyway. The males from last year are young and aggressive by now. However during and just after lambing the whole flock can be arsey and protective. The younger females move at you en masse rather than run away at this time of year.I love that city slickers think all animals are cute and passive. They are animals. If they are threatened they will fucking have you.
p.s don't try it with cows at all at this time of year. It's like being run over by a bus. Except the bus won't reverse back over you. Unless it's London


4. why is the water all brown?

because we were playing poo sticks.
(if it's just rained it's oxides and peat. Also the opaque quality of water is related to the temperature and flow)


4. why are the ducks white and yellow? are they bloody mutants?

The are probably Mandarin rather than Mallard

Ever thought about applying for a guest slot on QI Tim, u've gotta be their first DJ/grim northern personality surely.

The only way I'd end up on a panel show is as one of the 'where are they now?' losers in the Never Mind The Buzzcocks lineup of shame.

Sherrers wrote:The only way I'd end up on a panel show is as one of the 'where are they now?' losers in the Never Mind The Buzzcocks lineup of shame.

Haha - that may be worth an email....

you are very city people!

I don't know what type of tree it is but nearly all the trees neat me (bit 3 pointed leaves) have got bit black splotches all over the leaves and look very poorly. Are they all sick? Cos it's London like?

actually more like 5 or 6 pointed big leaves. The bark is all patchy too.

I'm a very concerned citizen.


Something needs to be done! Done now I say!

Are the leave like this



and covered in exactly circular black dots?

Sherrers wrote:Are the leave like this



and covered in exactly circular black dots?

exactly like that!

Al wrote:

Sherrers wrote:Are the leave like this



and covered in exactly circular black dots?

exactly like that!

Is the surrounding area covered in small green seed pods, some of which are spiny?

yes!

if you get me one of the seed pods and a leaf I can give you a full diagnosis.

I suspect as well as the black spots the edges of the leaves are drying up?

Sherrers wrote:if you get me one of the seed pods and a leaf I can give you a full diagnosis.

I suspect as well as the black spots the edges of the leaves are drying up?

precisely!

you really were a tree surgeon.

you donk.

if you open up the 'seed pod' you'll find a curious piece of flora called a 'conker' and the drying of the leaves and black spots are a phenomena called 'autumn' and are about to 'drop off' in preparation for 'winter'.


got you!

Al you soft sothern get!

Sherrers wrote:you donk.

if you open up the 'seed pod' you'll find a curious piece of flora called a 'conker' and the drying of the leaves and black spots are a phenomena called 'autumn' and are about to 'drop off' in preparation for 'winter'.


got you!

GaaaaaH!!

I will KILL you!

I will kill you so hard it will be pronounced Keeel.


Like an angry mexican.

scarlet pimpernel wrote:

Al you soft sothern get!

I am. I get nervous if I see a sparrow.

Sherrers wrote:you donk.

if you open up the 'seed pod' you'll find a curious piece of flora called a 'conker' and the drying of the leaves and black spots are a phenomena called 'autumn' and are about to 'drop off' in preparation for 'winter'.


got you!

Amazing!
City folk eh?

Al wrote:

scarlet pimpernel wrote:

Al you soft sothern get!

I am. I get nervous if I see a sparrow.

Even a wee cockernee sparra me olde china plate?

Oh i missed this one! it's a corker! Oh Al! you went hook line and sinker into that one.

the north/south divide manifests itself again!